Well DUH!

I hate it when people state the obvious. Don't they have anything better to do than say what everyone else knows? Like when I made my first desktop theme, I knew that it looked like a beginner file, anyone who downloaded it probably did too, but then I got this dumb ass telling me "this is obviously a beginners file" of course it looks like that you moron! you even said it yourself by using the word "obviously". If it is so obvious, (which it is,) I'm sure nobody would have a problem with figuring it out themselves. Do these people ever think?

Funny Instructions

These are hillarious!

On Sears hairdryer:Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swann frozen dinners:Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:Do not iron clothes on body.
On Nytol sleep aid:Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:Warning: keep out of children.
On a string of Christmas lights:For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a food processor:Not to be used for the other use
On Sainsbury's peanuts:Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:Instructions: open packet, eat nuts
On a Swedish chainsaw:Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a child's Superman costume:Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly
On a Swedish chain saw:Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a toboggan:Beware: Sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.
On a knife sharpener:Caution: knives are sharp.
On shin pads for cyclists:Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
On a take away coffee cup:Caution: Hot beverages are hot.
Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.
In a microwave oven manual:Do not use for drying pets.
On the back of a pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft:Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.
On the bottom of a cola bottle:Do not open here.
On a Harry Potter wizards broom:This broom does not actually fly.
On a box of aspirin:Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
On a bottle of laundry detergent:Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.
On a muffin packet:Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
In a kettle instruction manual:The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position.
On a ketchup bottle:Instructions: Put on food.
On a bottle of rum:Open bottle before drinking.
A car park sign:Entrance only. Do not enter.
A sign in a street in Hong Kong:Beware of people.
Rules on a tram in Prague:Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.
On a can of air freshener:For use by trained personnel only.
On a bottle of baby lotion:Keep away from children.
On a pair of socks bought in egypt:Do not wash.
On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:Some assembly required.
On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:May irritate eyes.
On a Frisbee:Warning: may contain small parts.
In a car handbook:In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.
On a packet of cashew nut pieces:Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.
Directions for mosquito repellant:Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one.
On a birthday card for a one year old:Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.
In a hotel bedroom:Please do not turn on TV except when in use.
In a lift in a Japanese hotel:Push this button in case anything happens.
On a toilet cleaning brush:Do not use orally.
On a can of Spray paint:Do not spray in your face.
On a TV remote:Not Dishwasher safe.
On a blowtorch:Not used for drying hair.
On a washing machine inn a launderette:No small children.
On a bottle of hair dye:Do not use as Ice Cream topping.
On a push along lawn mower:Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.
On a box of fireworks:Do not put in mouth.
On the packaging for a wrist watch:Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.
In a dishwasher manual:Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.
On a toaster:Do not use underwater.
On a mattress:Do not attempt to swallow

How to get out of a speeding ticket (dont actually try this)

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Annoying stuff

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?